If Dish were a closet-case movie star she hopes she would deal with the inevitable gay rumors with more dignity than the overly sensitive TOM CRUISE.

In another example of the-lady-doth-protest-too-much, Cruise went to the mat with Viacom executives over a "South Park" re-run, titled "Trapped in the Closet," says Page Six, the gossip column at the New York Post.

In the episode, the cartoon’s creators MATT STONE and TREY PARKER ridicule the Church of Scientology with a scenario where Stan is thought to be the reincarnation of church founder L. RON HUBBARD. The devoted Cruise goes to see Stan, and when Stan insults his movies, Cruise locks himself in the closet. "Tom Cruise, come out of the closet," Stan and others say. Of course, JOHN TRAVOLTA and R&B artist R. KELLY come to plead with Cruise as well, and eventually join him in the closet.

The episode was set to be rerun, March 15, but was pulled.

Cruise freaked out, running to the execs at Viacom (the parent company of both Comedy Central and Paramount Studios) refusing to do any publicity for Paramount’s upcoming "Mission: Impossible 3" if the episode aired as scheduled, Page Six reported. Viacom caved and the episode was yanked.

A rep from Comedy Central told Page Six the episode was pulled out of consideration for ISAAC HAYES, R&B singer, Scientologist and the voice of the show’s character Chef. Hayes told the cartoonists he would be quitting the show because of the episode’s attack on Scientology. He said he couldn’t stand the idea of the show mocking religion.

Don’t take him back

Much to the disappointment of the artfully depressed Smiths fans across the globe, the ’80s U.K. band will not be reuniting for an upcoming California music festival, Reuters reported.

Asexual front man MORRISSEY and his ex-band-mate JOHNNY MARR were offered $5 million to work together again at the Coachella Valley Arts & Music Festival, April 29-30 in Southern California. Morrissey told a media conference that he didn’t even consider the offer.

"Money doesn’t come into it," he said, eliciting applause from the journalists.

Morrissey and Marr broke up The Smiths in 1987, at Marr’s request says Morrissey. There are nasty rumors flitting about that some of the breakup revolved around sexual tension between the two, but Morrissey has never said he’s gay.

Morrissey, who has a new album out next month, is constantly dodging the question. With song lyrics making clear references to homo love and personal idols including Oscar Wilde, is it any wonder journalists keep asking?

At the recent news conference, his description of the band’s breakup sure does make him sound like a jilted lover.

"I didn’t feel we should have ended," Morrissey said. "I wanted to continue. [Marr] wanted to end it, and that was that."

Good and fruity

Gay innovation has struck it big this time. Finally, a will-travel solution to crotch rot!

When spontaneously going down on some guy behind a Dumpster, have you ever gagged because he was less-than-fresh down there?

Never fear, kittens, Willy Wipes are here!

Using this Wet-Nap-like device, simply wipe your cookies down before oral playtime, and you no longer give off that yak musk scent. According to the company’s press release, Willy Wipes come in a variety of flavors, including chocolate and strawberry. Check out all the info at www.willywipes.com.

However, if the rot’s that bad, you could also just try taking regular showers.

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