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		Author Terry McMillan learned last year that her husband, Jonathan Plummer, is gay. A messy divorce is now unfolding. Husbands and wives who find themselves in similar situations, on both sides, handle the news in different ways.


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By ELIZABETH WEILL-GREENBERG JUL. 29, 2005

Anger, confusion accompany revelation that a spouse is gay

MORE INFO:

MORE INFO
Gay Married Men’s Associationa group for gay and bisexual men with straight wives
E-mail: GammainDC@yahoo.com or www.gay-married.org.

Gamma Wives/Straight Spouses, a support group for heterosexual spouses of gay men.
703-548-3238.

Women Coming Out of Marriage
202-797-4419 or e-mail wcoom@wwc.org

Classic Dykes Online
www.classicdykes.com/married.htm

Straight Spouse Network
8215 Terrace Drive
El Cerrito, CA 94530-3058
510-525-0200
www.ssnetwk.org
dir@ssnetwk.org

THEN I FOUND out my boyfriend of four years was gay I felt a mixture of relief, disbelief and incredible guilt. He was the first person I went to with a personal crisis. But he struggled with his anguish and guilt alone. I learned that he had been with men during our relationship after I confessed to cheating on him. He told me he had been unfaithful too, also with men. Strangely, the significance of that didn’t sink in at first. He insisted he wasn’t gay; he was bisexual. I believed him when he said he wanted to stay together. Until that point our relationship had felt close to perfect; breaking up was not something I ever considered. I saw our indiscretions as harmless, a need for sowing our wild oats. So we both continued having affairs. We convinced ourselves this deceitful arrangement could work. But, of course, it couldn’t. We finally admitted to each other that we needed to break up when I fell in love with another man. We had become best friends and roommates — not lovers. But even after we split he still would not acknowledge being gay. There was no Jim McGreevey-style news conference and definitive declaration that he is a “gay American.” This grayness infuriated me. I wanted to understand how our relationship had deteriorated. If he was gay, then our problems made sense. I kept expecting a meteor of revelation to hit us. He’d come out and admit our relationship had been a lie. But there’s the catch: Our relationship hadn’t been a lie. He had been in love with me and, for years, sexually attracted to women. I once felt so desperate for answers I actually Googled: “I’m gay but I like having sex with women.” Results: None. OFTEN MEN WHO come out to their girlfriends or wives are seen as liars who want the comforts and acceptance of a “straight” life. Author Terry McMillan filed for divorce from her husband, Jonathan Plummer, who inspired the 1996 novel “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.” Recently, McMillan publicly accused Plummer, who is gay and from Jamaica, of marrying her to gain U.S. citizenship. “One of the biggest myths is they did it as a cover, as a way to pass in the world,” says Alex, a member of the Washington, D.C. chapter of the Gay Married Men Association. Alex asked that his real name not be used. He is married to a woman and they have three children. Alex told his wife he was bisexual before they got married but over the years his attraction to men has grown. Despite this, he tries to remain monogamous with his wife and they still have an active sex life with each other. Even though Alex’s wife knows about his desire for men and his past affairs, they want to stay together. “Many men find themselves in their 20s, 30s and 40s realizing, ‘My sexuality isn’t what I thought it was,’” Alex says. That was the case for Philadelphia resident Joanne Fleisher, a social worker who now counsels women coming out in marriage and is writing a book on the subject, “Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman,” due out this fall. “I had no suspicion or inkling of being gay,” says Fleisher, who described herself as “boy crazy” when she was growing up. Toward the last few years of her mostly happy, 12-year marriage she fell in love with a close female friend. Fleisher and her husband, who had two children together, went into therapy to try to save the marriage but soon realized they needed to divorce. Many women, like Fleisher, leave their husbands while still struggling with ambivalence about their sexual orientation. “I left my marriage without having a sense of being gay,” she says. “There’s no way to really know that without experiencing it over some time.” For women who come out in marriage, their guilt can be overwhelming, Fleisher says. The burden of a woman’s decision to stay or leave the marriage can be devastating. “[Women] feel every decision is the final decision,” she says. However, “flip-flopping is a part of the process.” Often women and their husbands will negotiate different arrangements to keep the marriage together. “Any possible relationship women have tried – there’s not a scenario you could imagine women haven’t tried,” Fleisher says. “This is a tremendous ethical dilemma,” she says. “It’s very different from other women coming out because the decision involved is no longer a question of personal happiness. It, ultimately, will have a serious impact on the people that she loves.” That sense of responsibility is certainly not limited to women. When Vince, a member of D.C.’s Gay Married Men Association, acknowledged to himself that he is gay, he became severely depressed and even contemplated suicide. Vince asked that the Blade use only his first name. “I had decided it had been better for everyone if I died,” he says. “I had my plan in place, my method.” Vince said he successfully suppressed his attraction to men for most of his life. He was taught growing up in Tennessee that gay men were child molesters and perverts. “I knew that wasn’t me,” he says. In college he dated several women and fell in love with his wife. He never acted on his attraction to men. And until his early 40s, he and his wife had a “great sex life.” “I’m very disciplined; I worked full-time through college,” he says. “This was another area of my life that required discipline. It wasn’t normal so I simply ignored it.” At 41, he said, the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, forced him to face the truth. He often took the flight that was flown into the Pentagon. “It shook me to the core,” he says. “That could be me and I could die with my wife never knowing the truth.” Finally, he told his wife he is gay. Vince hoped, naively, he admits, that they could stay together. “[My wife] very quickly made the decision she did not want to be married to a gay man,” he says. “It’s taken three, four years to see that she’s probably right.” But Vince said he is like many married gay men in that he doesn’t regret marrying his wife. He does regret, however, the pain he knows he’s caused her. His two children, he says, were more distraught about the divorce than his sexual orientation. “I sure enjoyed the 20 years with her,” he says. “I wouldn’t have wanted to miss that.” The grayness of sexual orientation can be the most difficult part for both the gay and straight spouses. One woman e-mailed to say, “I will tell you up front that my husband denies being gay. We are in the process of divorce. …Those whose husbands come out to them have a hard time and a lot to deal with, but at least they know/have confirmation and can move on with their lives.” Most important for the straight spouse can be a need for clarity. Several women said they had an endless stream of questions for their husband. “Why wasn’t there any intimacy? What was wrong with me? Why was he depressed? Why was he withdrawn? Why did he think he was in a prison?” says Amity Pierce Buxton of the Straight Spouse Network, recalling the questions she had about her own marriage. Her husband of 25 years came out after they separated. Her ex-husband, a World War II veteran, compared getting married to going to war – “a moral imperative,” she says. Buxton has studied thousands of “mixed orientation” couples since the 1980s. When asked what the biggest misconception is, she said, matter-of-factly, “That gay men can’t have sex with their wives.” I HAD MY own set of questions for my ex-boyfriend, and still close friend. Since he’s come out, he’s patiently answered the questions he can. But some will always remain elusive to both of us — like just how did this happen?

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