AT HIS HOME IN Springfield’s gay neighborhood, Waylon Smithers is crying into his Malibu Stacy pillowcase.

“Why did this have to happen to me?” he wails. “Sure, he may be conservative but I’ve done nothing but serve Mr. Burns, and now that has all been taken from me.”

Smithers is referring to an outrageous outing campaign recently triggered by activist members of “The Simpsons” staff and the news media. It all started last week at the San Diego Comic Convention when producer Al Jean addressed thousands of comic and animation fans about the program’s upcoming 16th season, which begins this fall on Fox.

“We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalizes gay marriage,” Jean told the Associated Press. “Homer becomes a minister by going on the Internet and filling out a form. A longtime character comes out of the closet, but I’m not saying who.”

In the wake of these comments, there has been much speculation in gay circles, in the media — and among the citizens of Springfield — about which character is likely to come out.

“Worst rumor ever,” said Comic Book Guy who, naturally, was at the convention. He admits to once trying to pass the “final frontier” by looking at a Web site he thought contained gay pornography. When it wasn’t there, however, he decided he would stay away from the “dark side.”

NATURALLY, SMITHERS, A known rollerblader, Malibu Stacy collector and Mr. Burns’ admirer, has been the name most bandied about by fans and pundits.

Smithers is upset by all this attention, some of which he believes is negative. “My work and high regard for the dreamy Mr. Burns is public knowledge, but what goes on in my bedroom is nobody’s business,” he lisps.

There also has been a bunch of finger pointing and name-calling all around Springfield, a town apparently overcome with outing fever.

“People were going around saying me and Carl is gay,” says Lenny, one of Homer’s co-workers at Mr. Burns’s nuclear power plant. “But we’s just roommates.”

“Yeah, roommates,” Carl adds.

Springfield Elementary School Principal Seymour Skinner, who still lives with his mother and won’t commit to longtime love interest Edna Crabapple, was touchy when a reporter asked if he is gay.

“How can you ask that?” he sneers.

“Who’s on the phone, Seymour,” a woman shrieks in the background.

“It’s a wrong number, mother,” Skinner says. “Don’t call here again.”

He then hung up the phone.

OF COURSE, THE gay character doesn’t have to be a man; it could even be a young woman like Lisa Simpson, who is infamous in Springfield for being a vegetarian, gun control activist and war protester.

“If being an animal-loving, gun-hating pacifist makes me a lesbian, then I’m a lesbian,” says the little girl who once made her family march in Springfield’s Gay Pride parade.

Lisa’s aunt Patty is even more suspect. Patty, who still lives and works with her twin sister, Selma, once said she lost her last shred of heterosexuality after seeing Homer Simpson naked.

At the Comic-Con in San Diego, when asked about the gay person in town, show creator Matt Groening said, “It’s Homer.”

Many assumed he was joking, but it could be true.

“I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming,” Homer, who is married to Marge, said on a previous show.

Once, after striking up a friendship with gay director John Waters, Homer said, “I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.”

Perhaps Smithers has been needlessly shamed in the press. Maybe this whole outing thing has gotten a bit out of hand?

Perhaps we’ll all be saying, “D’oh,” this fall.

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