FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. — While riding in a helicopter in Iraq, “Joe” took an AK-47 bullet in the abdomen. The bullet sliced out part of his liver and barely missed his spine.

“I felt a sting and then my legs got really warm,” he says.

He woke up in a hospital in Germany.

Today, Joe takes a multitude of medications. Some days, he can’t even drink water without getting sick.

But the daily pill popping isn’t the hardest thing for Joe to swallow.

Living in the closet despite nearly two decades of decorated military service bothers him more than his injuries.

A distinguished honor graduate of West Point, Joe is a veteran of Desert Storm, the war in Afghanistan and the invasion of Iraq. He’s won the Purple Heart.

But like an Iraqi dissident during the Saddam era, Joe, who remains on active duty in South Florida, has to tell his story in the shadows to avoid possible retribution under the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

“I have fought for half my life for freedom,” he says. “I’m fighting for a free country, but I’m basically not living in one if I can’t be who I am.”

During his service in Iraq, Joe says he encountered a hostile population. “They want us gone, and personally I don’t think we should be there,” he says. “In Desert Storm, we were fighting Iraqi soldiers who were basically starving to death. Most of the [American] soldiers who were killed in Desert Storm were killed from friendly fire. It’s very different this time. We are basically fighting everybody — women, children, civilians. Nobody wants us to be there. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t even know who the enemy is.” Joe thinks the United States should get out of Iraq and let a U.N. force take over.

Joe has seen U.S. soldiers hit civilians with the butts of their rifles and knock them down on the ground. “You have some soldiers that kind of go overboard,” he says. “Some of the things I’ve seen, I wouldn’t treat an animal that way.”

“We’re not doing anything except making it worse. We keep them hostile; we keep them angry. The Iraqi people feel like we’re basically coming in and taking over their country. You won’t talk to one U.S. soldier who will tell you that we should be over there.”

Joe supported the war in Afghanistan because it was directed at a country harboring terrorists who had attacked the United States. “I was all for it, and I was praying we would find bin Laden,” he says. But he sees the current Iraq situation as a political dispute.

Many of the soldiers blame President Bush for their predicament and he is highly unpopular with the troops in Iraq, Joe says. He recalls the cool reception the president received from troops during his Thanksgiving visit. “The soldiers were walking around talking to each other and stuff, and basically just ignoring him, like he wasn’t there,” says Joe. “I’ve never seen a commander-in-chief being treated that way. Usually they would be like crowding around, wanting to meet him or shake his hand; it would be such an honor. I haven’t heard one soldier say, ‘I hope Bush gets re-elected.’ He’s almost as bad as Saddam to us.”

Gay soldiers have to keep quiet
While previously stationed at a base in the United States, Joe had a four-year relationship with another officer. The other soldiers at the base thought they were just roommates. “There’s a kind of gay underground in the military,” he says. Occasionally, he has met people he could trust to keep his secret, such as a doctor at one base. “He told me it was all right to be open with him,” Joe recalls.

Joe’s story is not unique. Steve Ralls, director of communications for the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, a Washington, D.C.-based group that works with gay and lesbian military personnel, has spoken to numerous gay soldiers who have returned from Iraq.

“We’ve heard from individuals who served with colleagues who knew that they were gay or lesbian and felt that it was safe to be out in their units,” Ralls says. “We’ve also heard from individuals who found the situation very difficult. It tends to vary from unit to unit, and it really depends on the climate that individual commanders set.”

SLDN has been conducting outreach to gay vets of Iraq. “We want to determine how the [Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell] policy is being implemented during a time of war,” Ralls says. “A service member who identifies himself in the press as gay will almost undoubtedly be discharged,” Ralls says.

Most service members who reveal their homosexuality receive honorable discharges, says Ralls. But some gay service members have been forced to repay scholarship money, such as Capt. Monica Hill, a physician at Fort Bragg, N.C. Hill received her medical training in the military, but when her partner became ill with terminal cancer, she requested a leave. Hill made it clear that she wanted to continue to serve. But once the military found out the reason for her hiatus, it discharged her and billed her for medical school.

Ralls advises gay service members who are being investigated or interviewed not to answer any questions about their sexual orientation without having a lawyer.

But Joe wonders how his country can send him to fight for a free Iraq while denying him personal freedom at home.

“I’m tired of fighting for my country and feeling like I don’t live free,” he said.

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